You may be wondering why I have decided to launch this blog now – why have I waited six years since being diagnosed with anxiety?
The answer to that is easy (and there’s actually a couple of reasons)
- It’s taken me a good couple of years to come to terms with the fact I’m living with anxiety and depression
- I’ve never really wanted to talk about it, maybe the odd post on my old blog, but nothing solely focused on this topic
- I feel now is the right time, this week has been one of so many mixed feelings, and I wanted to show the contrast of just this week
So this week started off so well, it’s been months since I’d had a panic attack and I’d been upbeat and in such a good mood for a few weeks – obviously this didn’t last!
Monday I ended up having a huge anxiety attack – the positive: I think I dealt with it pretty well! What I’ve found over the past year with my anxiety is that I have anxiety attacks less often, but when I do get them, they’re awful. This particular one I was out in public (which is always worse) and I felt very sick, which I don’t cope with anyway, and I felt like everything was closing in around me! Now in the middle of a restaurant obviously I knew this wasn’t the case, but that is how I felt. And because I felt so sick I could barely eat anything which was stressing me out, because normally I can eat for England – but not this day, I barely managed a few bites because otherwise I genuinely would have made myself ill! Fast forward half an hour or so and I was fine, just extreamly tired. That’s one thing I don’t think people realise with anxiety / panic attacks, they physically drain you! They may only last fifteen minutes but jeez to they make you lethargic, because at the end of the day your senses on ultra high alert for that short period of time. To be honest I can’t even remember what I did when I got home, I think I lay on my bed with a fluffy blanket and the tv on – I needed time out basically!
Skip two days and we reach Wednesday – which I was super excited about because I was going to the beautiful Chatsworth House with my best friend for the day. Despite the early start and the two hour drive to reach there it was a lovely day – the sun was shining, the house itself is gorgeous and the gardens were perfect for sitting and enjoying the sun. The actually day itself I was on such a high, loving life on top of the world high!
Then we had the two hour drive home, again this was fine. But when I got home I went from being on top of the world to being at the lowest of the low – it was such plummet and it happened so so quick, to the point I didn’t even know what to do with myself. And this is the point I want to highlight in this post – just how quick your mood can change, especially with depression and anxiety. I literally lay on bed with my iPod and a fluffy blanket (again) and sobbed, I just lay there and cried and I have no shame in that anymore. Sometimes a good cry helps, sometimes it doesn’t.
It’s now Saturday and I’ve literally dragged myself out of bed for he past three days – yes dragged! It’s all well and good people on the outside telling you to ‘just suck it up and get in with it’, it’s not that easy! These past three days I’ve genuinely not wanted to see or speak to anyone, but I’ve forced myself because I thought it’d make me feel better, but honestly it hasn’t and I think my mood is just rubbing off on everyone around me – which obviously I don’t want!
I know I’ll be fine in a couple of days, which I will update you on, because I’ll probably be a completely different person in a couple of days.
But for now, I’m not really feeling life and that’s okay.
Thanks for reading, just know you’re not alone and that everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Be kind and understanding if you’re the one in the outside, just support the person you love – that’s all they need.